I · could · do · without · you.

I hit a ridiculous dead end with my journalling over the last year, and just as I hit a run of inspiration, I cut open my hand and had to get stitches so I can't hold a pen/paint brush/scissors any more.

Anyone been in the same boat, or anyone who just struggled finding inspiration but fought on regardless: how did you cope? Show me your pages :]

This journal can't let me write about this place but Ian doesn't want to hear about it because it hurts him, and I have no one who I can express this feeling too because it's not words, it's not emotions, it's just this pit that's filled in but sometimes the filling comes out and I feel it again, I feel it ache and sink deeper and I have to remember to forget. I want to call out of work heartsick and spend tonight laying in my bed and crying an eating popsicles because everyone I know has abandoned me in suburbia and couldn't care less about me and eurgh! it's just so frustrating to feel colorless and gray and nothing. Today is not my best day, today is not a good day for me. I need more time to think than I have, I need more time to process my heart opening and closing than I have, I need more time to deal with the edges that are creeping in. What's wrong with me today? My whole chest feels like it's full of bad energy, like it's starting to melt and drip down into my stomach and my pelvis and my legs, pooling in my feet and ankles. I just feel like I'm struggling with everything and am working way too much and jezuschrist I just feel like I can't handle myself, I can't get a grip, I can't take a breath that makes me feel connected, no parts of me feeling connected to the others. I haven't felt this low in a long time but it's coming up quick and crushing me and filling up the spaces between my bones.

This sucks.

i guess i feel somewhat like i did last year, in as much as vague, differently-situated feelings apply to now.  i really have no idea what's going to happen, what context i'm going to fall into.  last year i had even less of "no idea" of what was going to happen, and i really had to get my shit together as much as possible while lying in wait for a very shifting experience.  definitely very freaked out and misshapen i was.  idk.  now is somewhat the same.. because i don't know what to expect i feel like the future is unreal and absolutely anything could happen, from the tragic to the most joyful.  i have it really made now, things are awesome, i have free reign to hang out with my love and not deal with any demanding problems, i can fuck around and go where i please.  the simplicity and general chillness of everything shan't be taken for granted.  i'm worried that it's just the allotted calm before some huge storm though, like i should suck up as much of the good times as i can before the necessity of balance rears its head and i get really taken for a ride.  so i'm trying to enjoy myself, and i am.  getting unbearably tired before midnight strikes is not particularly desirable but is that really an issue, no.  very paranoid about wasting the days.  the distance i'm going to feel from someone i consider my new (not replacement, but extended and most present) family (this shit's intense) and care so so much about is starting to set in as i realize how little time i actually have left here. 

ugh.  i can't do anything about it now except express my worries to my parents and see if they have any advice to remedy my ailing, or if plans can be shifted at all.  chris was allowed to come earlier on when ideas for dates were in the toss-around (heh, tosser) stage since free tickets are within reach, but for whatever reason that never manifested.  i'd rather he come with.  i'm such a pussy.  yeah

things out here are uncomfortable and still very new, however i take adventurer solace in them.  i've grown out of exton and all that is indicated with it, i'm very okay with not going home for five more months, i fit into my portland niche enough so that i don't freak out about being in such a random and faraway place anymore.  i set up a path and i'm trekking along because i've gotten used to it.. basic, valuable, now-inherent lesson.  nothing that i haven't mused about before.. i like what i've got a whole lot.  it's all about how i think about things, i know this.  have another giddy plane ride filled with modest mouse moments, and/or deprive myself of sleep the day before so i'm too delirious to monitor the engines.. or flip shit and cry into the seatback tray table for the "entire duration of the flight".  i can't in good faith ever stick with the latter, soooo who knows what'll happen.  i'm fairly confident that i'm letting myself dip heavily into fear, and that's at the root of my nervous-nausea.  like i said, i can't really do anything about anything except be optimistic.. why allow myself to lapse into the suffering-tinged perspective on what's to come/how now is affected when i can do the total opposite.. the better of two evils, if i want to think of my circumstances so drastically.  they just suck is some aspects in ways that can't be rationalized at all at all.  i'm scared of not being able to have visits work out over breaks for any reason, or of us drifting elsewhere because we need cuddle-buddies.  i'm not one to commit easily into lovey shit, and i've been as careful as has been warranted and possible in this involvement as per usual, so considering what i feel and generally what's going on now, i think i've got something worth holding onto.  i hope long-distance does work out and that in a few months i won't be shaking my head in a resurgence of groundedness at how blind and airheaded i may actually be now.  through this, though, i think i've stayed very sober-minded (another plus.. levelness balanced with intensity) so i think it'll be ok.. well, it will be regardless.. if we grow apart and such, which is a very real possibility, so we do, and so things will continue on.

i know i made the right decision to go elsewhere, though.. i still see it somewhat as a choice between reckless-abandon-in-the-moment and a more self-focused want for accomplishment, but this way feels more right in so many ways, not just in the gut but on black/white paper, too.. it will work out.  i worry i'm directionless and setting myself up for unnecessary hurt but then.. i'm not.  some sense of directionlessness was settled on a while ago, so i'm going with it and flowing with the consequences best i can now.  i wonder if i don't deserve to live past the plane ride or something like that, if the reason i can't conceive of what things'll be like or how i feel about them is because they're just not going to happen.. like why not let me die in a happy place.  idk though.  if that happens it happens, but idk.  it seems more plausible (until anything happens, when/if it does) that i just won't know what to think until i get set into circumstances which are only planned now.  naturally i'm going to be a bit unsettled about what's going to happen.. i doubt shit's going to easy, but since i've up and left before i think i can rest easy enough when the time comes for my self-settling abilities to be tested.. oh fuck, but what if the plane crashes and i have to talk myself down then.. well i'd die anyway right then so it wouldn't be much of a test.. just a thing that's occurring.  idk.  not something to think about now.  getting myself caught up in unhealthy circles of superstition, etc.  idk.  scared of what to think and the possibility of signs.

idk.  i'm excited for a midwestern experience (whatever that will prove to reallytruly entail beyond outside perception and slightly dreamy assumption.. i admit that's fucked me over before)..  i'll have studies to throw myself into, damn academic standards where i probably can't just do as i please and scrape+ by.. cold to complain about, a stranger roommate to adjust to.  books to read, watercolors to paint.  perhaps perhaps perhaps.  could go many ways, a building-self-in-wait or something otherwise, or both.  can't reasonably tell now.  maybe something not very different, maybe that's more plausible than i think.. very no-bullshit.  suppose a lot of it lies in personal choice.

what else.  not much.  my plan is to.. try to get to sleep.  actually doing movies in the park tomorrow, running a popcorn stand with cristobel.  i think we're maybe staying over at his parents' and watching the house for them until sunday when more volunteer duties call.  afraid i'm going to hate it.. other people's families.  i don't feel overly welcome, chris is still looked at as a kid and talked to like one, with a lot of things masked and kept secret, or just plain unsaid and unaccepted.  i'm very open with my mumsie and daddy and find it strange to see others who aren't the same.. i doubt it's unnatural, but it's definitely strange to me.. i have to be very aware of what i'm doing and saying, it's something entirely different.  probably will change as years pass, or else that's just how their dynamic is set to work.  but yeah, try to sleep.  i'll still get the amount needed for pleasant functioning if i don't stay up thinking for any longer once i'm back in bed.  nauseous and afraid it's indicative of bad shit to come, like maybe i totally fucked up and am going to lose my mind or life ahhhhhhh.. i'm still young and unsure of so much.  i guess i've done what i can.  so yeah.  bitch to parents when i talk to them next in hours, otherwise try to indulge in the moments of now and present.  yeah.  trying to keep an open mind herrrrr

no, i'm not done.  it's also strange going to chris' house and old-ish stomping grounds.. maybe i overestimate the reach of his changes since we've been together/pretty much moved in together in thinking he's not immediately set back into the context of there on return, when he actually is.  i think that's what comes when you legitimately move out, actually.. when i get all preachy about that alleged life lesson, that's what i'm meaning.. when when you return to a consistent living/experience place after some uprooting and have to readjust your mindset in the face of its sudden unfamiliarity instead of falling right back into the same patterns, you've grown up in a big way.  i like imagining how things were from what i can gather, romantic-ish image of grey clouds and bumming around strip malls without much of a care for school, trying to figure things out within a very protected environment.. i dislike having the chance to run into an ex-girlfriend of his or even observing how he acts around high school friends, depending.  things that were before me in a mental state i can't even imagine, because i just wasn't apart of it.  it's so weird to me that he runs into old acquaintances on the bus or points out all these people that graduated with him because i'm definitely too far away for that.. but when i'm home-home i don't even think about it, really.. it feels like something to get over in my very non-humble opinion.. like, big fucking deal, you grew up largely around here, you see people you know, that was then, this is now.  i have chances to run into old flames and friends past for sure, downingtown/exton/chester springs is crazy with its group-incest rates, but it's not a big deal to me at all.  i'm not thinking about it while i'm there, really, and it's disheartening that he's still so curious to see people and thus return to a certain perspective when he's back somewhere where he seems to revert back to something passed (obviously not passed) so easily.  idk.  that's part of my ongoing discomfort with sunday dinners.. how did you feel here, what did you do there, where have you been in every single sense of the damn phrase

so yes, that's all that's really on my mind.  i am cleared as much as possible.  try to see the exciting parts, ok, but balance that somehow.. ahh we'll see.  g'night